By Paul Gully

Managing Editor

In the market for a stable job? One that will provide health care, guarantee a roof over your head, and provide daily meals? 

If you’re like tens of thousands of Michigan residents, you probably are. 

Well, I have the solution.

After some analysis and research, I have found the secret that many Michiganders in recent years may already, unknowingly, be sharing in.

The answer: self- incarceration. Unlike never before, crime does pay. 

Prisons, federal, state and private are increasingly putting their inmates to work.

If you’re reading this, Jenny Granholm (and I know you are), you need to invest in the Big Three. 

No, not GM, Ford, or Chrystler. 

The Big Three I’m talking about are CCA (Corrections Corporation of America), the GEO Group, and Cornell Companies.

What are these three godsend companies? What do they do? How can they provide jobs?

Well, my friends, these Big Three are corporations that run prisons and correctional facilities for profit purposes. CCA, GEO Group and Cornell Companies, combined, operate 205 facilities with the ability to house over 100,000 inmates across the country.

Now why and how are private prisons the secret to Michiganders finding stable jobs? 

Well here’s the correlation:

According to research done by the Southeastern Michigan United Way, which cited the U.S. Census Bureau, “Michigan experienced its first population loss between 2005 and 2006 since the early 1980s … the primary reason for this loss was the large out-migration (over 65,000) of residents looking for jobs.”

 The top 10 states in which Michigan residents migrated to was provided. 

 What is interesting about this is that every one of the top 10 states Michiganders relocated to have a private prison run by one of the Big Three corporations. 

Moreover, GEO has head offices in Texas, California and North Carolina, and its headquarters is conveniently located in Florida — all of which are on the list.

 Coincidence? I think not. I’d be willing to bet … oh, let’s say 20 years without parole on it. 

The correlation is undeniable and obvious.

The road to true employment stability, while it may also lead to communal showers and long nights awake with Bubba, a biker doing hard time, can you really put a price on job security?

 Sure, you’ll be earning pennies on the dollar in comparison to those not living behind the protections of metal bars, a gated (and razor-wire) community with 24-hour sniper surveillance; but the free health care benefits are top notch — just make sure you negotiate the shank protection, it’s a must.

 And why private prisons over federal? 

Apparently, federal prisons are all about “rehabilitation” and other nonsense. 

They want to cycle inmates through the system and get you back on the streets to become a “productive” member of society. 

Yeah, you’ll be put to work in prison, but upon being released, what company would hire an ex-con?

Also, in federal prisons, you run the risk of being released early, due to overcrowding.

Private prisons, who have shareholders and are in business to turn a profit, are paid on a per-prisoner basis — that is, they are paid for every inmate they house. 

What incentive do these corporations have to “rehabilitate” and release inmates — they’d be throwing away money. Hence, job security. Why take the part-time jobs offered by federal prisons when you could go with the full-time — or lifetime — gig at the Big Three?

So now you have it. Go out there, commit a crime in one of the aforementioned states, earn a living and make something of yourself … behind bars.